Tuesday, June 10, 2014

I'm still here, but...

What year is it? Oh! 2014 you say? Why have I been avoiding this blog for so long? I could say that I have been crazy busy. You would understand that, I'm sure. I'm smack-dab in the middle of "the busy years." Basketball takes up a huge chunk of my year, right on top of the time of year where there are kids' birthdays, Christmas, and school. I'm still homeschooling, with 4 different students needing my attention. However, if I am truthful, I would say that if I thought writing about my experiences and remembering God's goodness through gratitude and documenting life's joys with photos was truly important, I would find time to do it.

The truth is that I've been depressed.

I've been sad. Worried. Self-conscious. Unsure. Tired. Scared. Weary. Fake. Confused. Lonely. Numb. Empty. Grey.

Blind to truth. Deaf to Happiness. I just. can't. seem. to. breathe.

Life for the past year and a half has gone on as it should. Nothing catastrophic on the outside for people to see. I'm glad, because I feel so weak right now that I doubt I could handle a real crisis. But at the same time, it makes me feel so alone, because maybe you think I shouldn't be full of sadness. Just who do I think I am? If I'm not happy, with 4 amazing, healthy, obedient children and a loving, faithful husband, and all the comforts and physical provision anyone needs, then WHAT? What would it take to make me happy?

Well, I know the answer. What I need, what I NEED, what I really, truly, deeply require, is a relationship with God. I miss Him. My depression could be defined better as an identity crisis. I used to know who I was. I used to have an answer for everything. I used to have a relationship with my Savior, who always made sense of everything! It's hard to write those words. "Used to." I'm not ready to give up yet. I'm still waiting for something, or Someone, to reach down here and pick me up and put me back on solid emotional ground again. To make sense of this year of depression. To give me a reason for it. But I'm in the middle of it right now, and I can't see clearly. I can remember things I used to know, but somehow they're not really there. It's like I'm in a coma and I can hear the reality around me but I can't interact with it.

This is so hard. It's a daily struggle. Maybe writing about it will help me come through it. I'm sure there has to be an end to this. I was meant for more than grey. I will continue to fight until I am in the light again.

What about you? Have you ever dealt with depression? How do you feel about that time in your life now?